I just threw up on my dentist
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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