You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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