There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
