Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
