wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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