So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
