how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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