Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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