if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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