you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
