I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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