she looked like the before picture.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
