just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
