did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
