I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
