i jhust puked up my retainher.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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