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No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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