So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
