you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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