her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she looked like the before picture.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
