I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
