I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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