i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
