have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
