I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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