this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
