I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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