At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
