If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
please come you make the beer taste better
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
