I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
People in love make me want to vomit
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
