Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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