Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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