what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
