Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
