A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I am one with the molecules
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
