I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
