So drunk its hurt
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
