We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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