I am puke
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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