The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
