allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
