I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
