is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
