I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
