Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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