Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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