I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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