I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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