Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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