In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
