with your own penis?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
